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I'm a year-old married mother to twin teenage daughters. I am blessed to have many girlfriends -- mostly married, several single -- and feel like I've been a good friend to them, regardless of their marital status. Kind of like Stephen Colbert's "I don't see color. After my article on women without children in midlife went viral and I got several requests to write about single women in midlife, I wondered Am I as inclusive as I think toward my single female friends?
Am I making assumptions or being insensitive at times? So I polled over a dozen of these women and got some pretty consistent feedback. Here is what single women want their married friends to know.
Yes, it can be tough to be single in midlife There clearly are challenges to being single in midlife, from the merely practical to the more deeply personal. Some daily tasks are just plain difficult when you live on your own.
There's no handy husband and you often run the risk of being ripped off by workmen you hire. When you have to move or lift things, you have to call someone for help.
It has to be planned, not spontaneous. You also have to lean on friends for a ride to or from some doctors' appointments -- a colonoscopy buddy. Single mothers in particular feel the weight of responsibility managing so much on their own: I'm worn out being the initiator in my business, in parenting, on the home front, and for the whole personal side of my life. Just too many decisions to make morning, noon, and night," says Bonnie. Gertrude agrees, wishing she had a partner to lean on, "It would be nice if someone was waiting to see me at the end of the day, to give me that warm hug and to offer support when I am going through something.
Sometimes that means you are home alone on a Saturday night, unless you have lots of single friends," explains Stephanie. Family members may have unfair expectations when it comes to their single middle-aged relatives, especially when they don't have children, like Stephanie: Despite the fact that my parents are retired and in good health, they have always expected me to use my limited vacation time to travel to them for the holidays or other visits, even when I have had better accommodations for a visitor than they do.
I crave the opportunity to entertain my family in my house, to show them that I can cook, decorate for the holidays, and be a good hostess. Some, like Gertrude, resent the pity: And traveling alone can be awkward.
Some couples try to include me in events, but I do feel like the third wheel sometimes," explains Gertrude. Tracy is lucky to have a travel companion but she gets grief for that: I don't get it. We enjoy each other's company -- who else are we supposed to spend time with?
Please include me in your social plans -- I promise, I won't "throw off" the balance Navigating social occasions can be challenging, even demeaning at times. I remember being invited to a wedding of a colleague and being seated with her grandparents and their friends because there were 'no other single women there' when I would have much preferred to be with young couples. Katie agrees, "I have a friend who always talks about how she and her husband and this couple and that couple went out for a fun evening.
It reminds me that I don't bring the requisite male to the mix, therefore mess up the balance. Why can't the three of us go to dinner? Stephanie has seen a difference in the way she's been treated socially when she's had a significant other: I am not sure why inviting a single person is perceived as throwing off the party.
And at times when I have been in a relationship, it is amazing how much more I was included in social events. Helaine, who has kids, felt the shift after her divorce, "What I don't understand is how before we all had plans as a family, but now no.
Since you're not friends with my ex, why did you stop inviting us over or accepting requests for family plans? Why can't a married family still make plans with a divorced family?
Ellie yearns for inclusion: Girlfriends, know that I rely on your friendships Time and again, single women describe the added importance of their female friendships in their lives. Please know how important you are to me.
I may seem fine living like a hermit, but having friends I can call at any time makes me feel as though I'm not alone," explains Anne. Joanne is thrilled to have good friends: When I hear about mature women who get a man and just drop their friends, it's a tough pill for me to swallow. Thank God Carol was still there when I came back, tail between my legs. She never said anything about it but I vowed that I would never drop a friend like that again.
Ellie has been on the receiving end of being dropped by married girlfriends -- in her case, after her divorce: It sucks to have women who were once your friends decide that you are suddenly the devil because you are not with their husband's bestie.
One of them actually told me that we could still be friends as long as I didn't bring up all of the 'garbage. I told her to fuck off. And when it comes to making new married friends, Sue is surprised at the attitude she sometimes encounters: It is so funny to me that my 9-toyear relationship doesn't count but their 6-month marriage does -- or their serial marriages, in some cases!
Just because I'm single and 50 doesn't mean I'm desperate and will date anyone Many, but not all, women who are single in midlife would like to be in a relationship and do enjoy dating. Sue describes "that wonderful feeling of first dates, that thrill of starting over.
Bonnie feels it's particularly discouraging that "men my age want to date someone 10 to 20 years younger than them. What is going on? Are they for real? I want someone my age. I don't want someone 10 to 20 years older than me. These women appreciate being set up by their friends but resent it when the bar is set too low.
Stephanie explains, "They are anxious to match me up with someone they know, their only criteria being that he is also single -- no regard for my likes or dislikes. When I don't act interested in the guy they describe as an alcoholic, someone who has weird social skills, the devoutly religious man of a different religion than mine, the guy who is nice but a little slow, or the one who poisons squirrels in his back yard, they think I am being picky. My well-meaning elderly neighbor suggested that I should act dumb on the first few dates to attract a man, as I apparently scare them off with my immense intellect!
Nicole agrees, "Just because I am not seeing someone does not mean I am desperate and will date just anyone. If I was not attracted to a type of guy before, what makes you think that will suddenly change just because I'm over 40?
And yes, like Stephanie, single women in midlife get accused of being too picky or demanding. I value honest, friendly, and nonjudgmental people in my life. I am a professional and would like to be with a professional partner, but if I don't feel the right vibe, all of what he is or has does not matter.
My future is no worse than yours -- there are no guarantees in life The women I interviewed have pretty realistic perspectives on the future. Bonnie admits, "After being single for 8 years, I wonder if I will be single for the rest of my life. I don't think so as I think I'm just entering my prime years, but I sometimes wonder. Yes, sometimes I think about what will happen if I age and lose my capacities but it is what it is and, if you prepare things properly and have someone who can be your advocate and executor, you don't have to worry.
But there is nothing that you can do in your younger years that will absolutely guarantee that you will have a man when you're in your 50s, or that he will be around for the long run. I always wish new couples a long and wonderful life together, but please don't be cocky because nothing is guaranteed.
Please believe me when I say it: I am okay Women who are single in midlife want the rest of us to know that, despite life's normal ups and downs, they are doing just fine. In Marie 's words: As a single older woman, I want acceptance, not suspicion or assumptions. I am not damaged goods. I am not sad. I am not a reject. That smile you see on my face is genuine. Sue agrees, "Some people think you never married because you were selfish or too focused on your career or too picky.
Did they ever think it just wasn't meant to be your life and there is nothing wrong with being single? Cari, divorced mother of a 7-year-old, appreciates her newfound independence: I get to decide how the money is managed, what bills get paid off first, what school or summer camp is appropriate for my child. There are no differences of opinion, no debates, and no accommodations to be made.
My single life is very productive and busy. I'll admit, there are times it would be nice to have a second set of hands around the house or around me, and someday I may meet someone who I want to spend my life with, but for now I am enjoying my decision-making freedom immensely. Being financially independent means that I do not 'need' a man in my life to survive, but should I decide I 'want' a man in my life, there is no pressure to prove myself or my worth; either you enjoy my company or you don't.
I have been married and lonely and, believe me, that is much worse than being single, independent, and free. And now that I am beyond the 'baby years,' I am actually pretty much ok with it and wonder if marriage is even one of my goals anymore. If I had married any of the men I thought I wanted to marry, I am pretty sure I would be divorced now anyway. I am happy with the life I have built and am lucky to be able to afford most things that I want on one income.
As my nest empties, I see endless possibilities in my next chapter. I am unencumbered by a spouse's work life. I feel like a freshman in college again. The world is my oyster!/p>
What l mean is that her priorities and perspective about life and marriage will improve in many ways. Hopefully, for the better. The girl you date does not want to meet your family or friends, she wants you all to herself. The woman you marry wants to know your family and friends. She knows without them, you would not be where you are, and who you are today. The girl you date is overly worried about her nails been done all the time, her eyelashes looking in a certain style, and being beautiful for her peers.
Her physical beauty is important to her. The woman you marry is not overly worried about her nails being done. Instead, she is worried about being beautiful for her man, even if that means wearing no makeup. She focuses on her internal beauty and character building, because she knows real beauty comes from within. The girl you date only cares about her career and her vision for life. She comes before the relationship, and does not make her future plans with you in mind.
The woman you marry cares about your career and your vision of life as well as her own. She knows you also have a plan, and works together with you to achieve the goals you both have. The marriage is her priority. The girl you date loves the financial cushion you can provide. She also expects something back whenever she gives. The woman you marry wants to build a financial cushion with you. She believes that two heads will always be better than one.
The girl you date believes she knows everything. The woman you marry is open to learning something new, and knows there is always room for improvement.
The girl you date is scared to tell you her deepest secrets. She trusts you, and shares everything with you. She knows honesty is always the best policy. The girl you date does not get excited about marriage and children even if she wants to have some one day. The woman you marry gets excited about marriage and starting a family with you. The girl you date shows her cleavage all the time. The woman you marry is more modest because she knows her attributes are for your eyes only. The woman you marry loves not only to cook, but chooses delicious and healthy meals.
The woman you marry is not too concerned about keeping you because she knows you want to have a future with her.
She is mature enough to know you can never force someone to stay and that you each have to choose each other every day, again and again. The girl you date is not willing to compromise with you. The girl you date thrives on constant attention from you. The woman you marry mirrors your affection and thrives on providing you with the love, support, and respect you need. The girl you date tries to change who you are and compares you to her ex.
The woman you marry accepts you for who you are and will not compare you to her ex. She knows you are the best and that you cannot change another person no matter how hard you try. The girl you date has to be entertained. Internationally endorsed, Fight the fear book in 5 languages helping thousands around the world. She could hear her beautiful baby crying but was frozen in the doorway unable to move. That awful mother was me 14 years ago.
I hated houses that had wooden floors or skirting boards because every knot in the wood could be a spider about to crawl across me. At the height of my fear, I tried to get out of a moving car. If you think that fear is irrational, what about the fear of going to airports? Or the fear of not asking for help?
They can damage our health and even stop us from living our lives. The thing about irrational fears is that we are not keen to look at them. That gives the fear power. Fear loves negative emotions and saps up yours making your fear bigger and uglier and even more powerful. Not ideal to say the least.
Fears can cause us to:. There was another who could never ask for help and another who feared people finding out who they really were. All these fears and many more can be fixed but only if we can appreciate the benefits of fighting the fear.
The first thing you must do is give yourself a big enough reason why. Go back through your life and remember all the occasions that this fear was there. I can still see the spider trapped in my hair because it had obviously been on my hairdryer.
I also remember that I probably looked ludicrous in the South of France in my underwear running down the lane screaming and flinging my hair everywhere.
The poor spider had not only been flung a long way from my head but was probably destroyed in the flight. Remember the feelings, the actions, the negative feelings you felt afterwards, for me it meant that every time I picked up a hairdryer I could see a spider crawling towards my ear in my hair. Guess how helpful that was for reinforcing my reactions and irrational fear? Really experience the fear.
Make it so painful that you probably notice your heart racing, your shoulders drawing up and your breath changing. So new opportunities can come your way and instead of fearing them and what people will think of you for your choices, you can be open to;. In my book Fight the Fear: Not all of these are obvious but they all have far reaching impacts on our lives.
Here are some of those ideas to help you fight your fear and get more of what you want out of life:. They are still there. Be encouraged that the Lord has something GREAT in store for you if you sacrifice this thing, you cannot know what it is until you give this relationship up.
My wife takes tennis lessons from a guy at the club. He is a good guy and I know him and he knows me. I can tell there is a good friendship building between both of them. She is very faithful and treaches theology of the body so I know her intentions are good. Over the last months I have come to accept their friendship.
She knows that I have been insecure and a bit jealous. I made the mistake of checking texts and well I just wish she showed that kindness towards me. This friend had a bday last Friday and we both went to a tennis social and he was there. I feel kind of bothered. Not sure what to do. I sounds like that she is either a in an emotional affair that she realizes her attraction or trying to ignore it b Or truly in a platonic relationship, which I personally believe to be next to impossible.
We are sinful creatures by nature. Sinful things, like adultery, will seem exciting and desirable to our flesh. At this point, you have to win her affection back.
I recommend doing the Love Dare challenge Buy it on Amazon Here as a secret way to earn her trust and affection. I hope your marriage flourishes and you find a solution. You wrote that you want to know everything about a woman friend when you meet her. This IS and there is a homosexual spirit that seems to be running rampant throughout the world. Those spirits are extremely powerful.
Same sex attraction can be just as damaging to a marriage as opposite sex attraction. Sometimes I visit a church where the pastor during meet-and-greet times will say for men to hug men and women to hug women and I think of this. There are a lot of closeted people in society and this plays right into their fantasies.
One must be diligently aware of this at all times. Definitely a good thing to remember that there are always things to be on the lookout for. I do have male friends, two of them are in committed relationships and one is single.
They are out there, but I agree, not many Christian women are super excited about those topics or we are and are hiding it or too busy or something. I will pray that the Lord guides someone your way. I pray your spirit discerns when a woman in your life would be a good fit for these topics. Trying to navigate a male-dominated workforce does make it even more tricky! Please understand that women have been raised in a culture to believe they can do everything which of course, they can do all things but not all things are beneficial.
If you find she refuses to change, this is a warning to you. Whoever she is as a girlfriend…she will be as a wife. Obviously, the Lord can change her over time but you have to be willing to take that risk. Obviously, I know nothing of your actual relationship, so this is all based on theory and not reality. Love the article and the Radical Christian Woman approach. This is an especially hard subject for me as I am current in the eye of the storm as the result of my husband befriending an old female co-worker in an attempt to help her with her 3rd marriage.
Of course he did not let me in on it. Valid reasons though I feel they are controlling to a certain degree if used by a partner. People are hooked onto their TV series. Every series has some sort of sex being sold in it that such articles are written to address the sexual psyche in the West today. Porn is so readily available not to mention. These sexual sins just gets permeated around the population and the temptation arises when things go bad in relationships.
There is a tendency for a woman since I am woman can speak on my behalf only to have a wandering eye if we are not careful. Soul ties can be very strong if it is tied to an opposite sex who is not our husband. Prevention is the best cure, but if we did fall in sin fleeing is the next best cure.
My comment to this, I liked it and also I have learnt a lot, would like to learn more to safeguard my marriage. Please this is something we should learn it keeps our relationship, so if I can be included when sending your emails. This article disappointed me, in many ways. It begins with a great topic, but ends on deeply ingrained misogyny. The experiences are out dated and fail to take into account self love.
Instead, it takes into account others perceptions and their own inability to trust other human beings mainly because they realize they are themselves untrustworthy, as demonstrated by their work story. I would highly encourage the author to revisit the topic with a less misogynistic viewpoint, and purely from a religious standpoint. Well, if you consider 35 old when I wrote this. Life has taught me this and it continues to be confirmed to me.
Self-love is the cornerstone of this article…I LOVE myself enough to remove myself from relationships with men. I think that being successful in marriage is more important than holding onto a male friend. I strongly believe in the free will of a woman to choose to be careful of her ways. Our current society wants to believe that everyone can do everything they want to without harm.
This is the heart of this blog. Male friendships once you are a married woman are not beneficial enough to continue in them. Ok, I get it. Objectifying women or men for that matter is positive in this situation. Obviously men and women should only think lustfully about one another and not act as appropriate adults.
This leads to abuse also. People do not need to be treated as if they have to have sex with all opposite sex friends or that no one has ever turned gay or lesbian. Thank you so much for this piece. My hubby is in the military, so I get to spend months alone with the kids and most times spent with business colleagues.. I met this cute guy…and before I knew it…it had a spark…I know I had made my mind never to cheat on my husband…but the rate it went, I was some few contacts away from doing so….
And thankfully I saw this article. The feeling is squashed, am back to normal.. Thank you again for saving my marriage…God bless you more.
No matter your feelings. Feelings are only fanned by thoughts and time spent together. Take your efforts and focus them solely on your husband. Please leave this field empty Latest Posts are delivered on Monday night at 8pm! Please leave this field empty Check your inbox or spam folder to confirm your subscription. Many times my husband and I sit at dinner with another married couple.
I want to know it all. Even to a married man. Even to a happily married man. Also, we might not know exactly what a man is going through. Is his marriage on the rocks? Does he feel unattractive? Has his boss been criticizing him at work? It was only a second, but in that second something happened in my heart. Friendships Do Not Have the Struggles that a Marriage Does When is the last time your best friend asked you to balance your checkbook or take out the trash?
We ask for help around the house, help picking up toys, taking out the trash. This can become a HUGE source of dissatisfaction with your own husband. That would be ludicrous. The following two tabs change content below. Head covering Christian woman who loves good coffee and stinky cheese. My favorite dessert is Peanut Butter Chocolate Cheesecake.
I am a Christian author, blogger, and speaker. I fell in love with my husband because he had rain drops on his glasses true story. In my spare time I homeschool my seven children 5 girls, 2 boys. Latest posts by RadicalChristianWoman. Leave a Comment cancel. Sheri Yutzy December 9, Reply. Elaine Mingus December 10, Reply. Hannah January 4, Reply. Elaine Mingus January 5, Reply. Rocio March 6, Reply. Elaine Mingus March 6, Reply.
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Aug 05, · I polled over a dozen single women and here are seven things they want their married friends to know. One item on the list? They're not after your husband. I'm a year-old married . Girl Of My Dream I Want To Marry Her~ From kitchener-waterloo-chiropractor.com How Bad Do You Want My Cum In Your Fertile Womb Bitch?? I Suck Off A Hung Str8 Married Brazilian College Student On My Vacation. It's that age-old question: can men really be just friends with women? What happens when platonic turns to perverse? We questioned 13 men and women of all ages and backgrounds to get their take on whether guys can really have a relationship with a girl, that doesn't involve sex.